I remember it clearly, the kind of day it was, where I was sitting, what caused me to wonder in the first place and even more how it made me feel. I was six years old, when my great great grandmother died. There was a funeral and a family gathering. Mostly I had no idea what was going on or what everyone was chattering about so I went outside to play until it was time to leave. Several hours had passed before I finally asked my mother if we could go home. She said yes but that she wanted to say goodbye to people first. So I told her I’d go wait in the car.
Sitting there in the backseat my mind began to wander. I began to think about my grandmother and what death really meant. I had never heard of heaven or hell or any other possible scenarios for an afterlife. In fact, death had never really come up until this. They said she died in her sleep on couch and I couldn’t help wonder if I was going to die someday too.
I began to ponder this thought of death and what it might feel like. Maybe it’s similar to those nights of sleeping with no memory of dreaming anything.
hmmm……No, that can’t be right. Even dreamless sleep feels like time has pasted even if I can not remember what i was thinking about. I imagine death is more of a kind of nothingness. I tried to focus on this nothingness, as an empty dark place with no sound or anything else. But my imagination couldn’t create this place of nothing as much as I tried to picture it.
I remember distinctly feeling a weird moment when my thoughts hit some kind of barrier as if my thoughts had become tangible or something. Its was very strange to not be able to think about something I wanted to. This had never happened before.
Even when I pictured a dark box like space in my head, other ideas kept stampeding it and it took a lot of mental energy to push them away. Then I realized something rather profound. Nothing is still something. Even the darkest, emptiest image I could create with my mind, would never reveal anything about dying. So I quickly come up with an alternative solution. I reason that the only other similar experience as being dead, is the time spent before ever being born.
I tried to remember my earliest memory, as far back as my mind take me. I got held up around two and that was pretty fuzzy. I wondered what would have happened if my parents had never met in the first place? How would that feel? Again, I am plagued only by the strange feeling of not being able to think any thoughts on this. My mind just couldn’t see anything, it went completely dark.
I just couldn’t fathom not existing as something. why is that? There has never been a time when I couldn’t think about something.
So it was this day Curiosity filled my body and mind more questions then I could every hope to answer.
However I am going to try…….Enjoy